President Donald Trump is Dying from Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome

August 7, 2019

I have access to top-secret documents related to the President’s health. These documents have been verified and signed by his medical staff. I have also taken them to several independent medical consultants who have verified them for legitimacy.

These documents indicate that President Trump is suffering from Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome.

Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome is a rare and deadly neurodegenerative condition. Its typical onset is later in life, with the vast majority of cases only becoming apparent after 60 years of age. It is more common in men than women.

Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome is 100% lethal; treatment is primarily palliative.

The main symptom of Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome is that farts start coming out of your head. When a DFHS sufferer opens their mouth, farts come out. In advanced cases, farts start coming out of their ear-holes and sometimes even their nose-holes. The farts are exceptionally stinky and unpleasant to be around.

There is minimal research being done into Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome. Experts believe this is largely due to the social stigma surrounding the condition. It seems most people prefer to simply plug up their noses and ignore the issue.

Unfortunately, sufferers of DFHS cannot enjoy such a luxury. Nor can their friends and families.

Why is the media refusing to report on the President’s DFHS? I don’t know. There are many possible reasons. Maybe they are hoping to suppress research so a cure cannot be found before the President dies. Maybe they are trying to keep it a secret so that when the President speaks at rallies, audiences will be surprised at the intense fart smell emanating from his person and suddenly stop supporting him. Maybe Vice President Pence is behind the conspiracy, because when he inhales the gases from the President’s head-farts he sees oracular visions of the New Jerusalem.

It is also possible that President Trump is worried about openly discussing his Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome because he believes leftists would jump on it as a weakness. That’s not unreasonable. I wouldn’t put it past Antifa sympathizers to use a serious medical condition like DFHS to score cheap political points.

Whatever the case, I think it is important that the public knows. As the president’s condition continues to deteriorate, the sound of farts constantly blowing out of his head will become more and more audible. Eventually, it will become difficult to hear him speaking over the unrelenting symphony of craniofacial piping. I believe that Democrats and Republicans can set aside their differences and come together to support the President during this trying time.

Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome is not—and should not—be a partisan issue. It can strike any person at any time, no matter their politics.

I think the media news outlets need to be talking a lot more about Degenerative Fart-Head Syndrome. For exanple, I’d like to hear Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson talk about it on their shows. I hope reporters in the White House Press Corp grill administration representatives about why standing next to Donald Trump is like being trapped in a circus tent filled with elephant excrement and the unrelenting toots of a hellish calliope. I hope even the talking heads on CNN discuss it, rather than whatever fake news they’ve cooked up this week. This is too an important an issue to be kept from the American public.

If properly managed, it is likely DFHS will not affect the President’s ability to carry out his duties through to the end of his inevitable second term. However, there is a slight chance it will have an impact. This is a possibility the American public needs to be aware of. And so I hope that the President’s most ardent supporters take the lead on informing the public. Otherwise Trump’s enemies will surely and cynically try to spin his noisome and stomach-churning head-farts into a talking point for political gain.

Thanks for your attention. Please go out and spread the word. With your help, everyone will be able to accept and nonjudgmentally discuss Donald Trump for what he is: a real-world Pigpen-like character who walks around in a contant cloud of noxious gas perpetually whistling out of his every cranial orifice.