Did you know that most men don’t even know their own face shape? It’s true! Though the average man looks at his own face in the mirror literally tens of times over the course of his lifetime, he rarely makes an active note of its shape.
That’s too bad, of course: your face shape is a simple piece of personal information that affects nearly every corner of your life. It determines what hairstyles look best on you, what types of hats you can get away with, which city sectors you’re granted access to, and how long it‘ll take the Sentinels to identify you during the quadrennial Cleansing.
The following guide covers the ten most common face types, plus four of the turbo gross ones. (Guess which they are!)
Oval faces are longer than they are wide, with a rounded jawline. An ideal hairstyle for this face shape is the Caesar cut. But really, most any style from the Late Roman Republic will do.
Heart-shaped faces are rounded at the bottom, with a funky little notch at the top. There are no good hairstyles for this face type. In fact, as of 1 January 2017, all men with heart-shaped faces will be required by law to wear hats.
Men with square faces are roughly as wide as they are tall. Ideal hair styles include …
What? No, I mean their faces are as wide as they are tall, not their bodies. You’re deliberately misinterpreting me.
Like, how that would even happen? For someone to be as wide as they are tall? It seems physically impossible. Even if they were super obese. No, stretching your arms out to the side doesn’t count. Come on.
4. Inverted triangle
An inverted triangle shape tapers down to a sharp point at the chin — unless you’re in the southern hemisphere, in which case the inverted triangle becomes a regular triangle (see below). The ideal hairstyle for this face shape is the inverted buzz.
See above. Ideal hairstyles include the undercut, the flibbertigibbet, and the Sloppy Joe.
Narrow on top, peaking in late summer, with wide cheekbones that are available through January. Higher in fiber than apple-shaped faces.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD A MAN WITH A PEAR-SHAPED FACE EVER WEAR A BEARD.
A heptagonal face has high cheekbones tapering to a point on the brow three-quarters of the way between the temples and the chin. This face type doesn’t appear mirrors or photographs, which is why it’s often called “Vampire’s face”.
Anyone even cursorily familiar with the subject knows that the demand for these faces is a product of artificial scarcity and clever marketing. Avoid faces from places like Zimbabwe or Angola, and perhaps consider an alternative shape like moissanite or cubic zirconia.
9. Hurwitz surface
The procedure for determining whether your face is a Hurwitz surface is surprisingly straightforward: just find a mirror and start counting automorphisms. If you count precisely 84(g–1), where g is your face’s genus, you’re a Hurwitzer!
Appropriate hairstyles include the brachistochrone, the Witch of Agnesi, or most any polynomial lemniscate. Always make sure your barber has completed at least some graduate-level coursework in Reimann surface theory and/or hyperbolic geometry before getting your hair cut.
We all know this is just an oval face. Get over yourself already, asshole.
Oh boy. Ugh. Round faces. Just … woof.
Recommended hairstyles includes the Who Cares and the I Can’t Even. As for headwear, try a balaclava.
12. Golden Ratio
To determine whether your face shape accords with the golden ratio:
- Take a selfie.
- Choose a set of facial features at random and draw a rectangle that vaguely fits them all.
- Do the sides of your rectangle match the golden ratio? If not, repeat step 2 until you come up with a rectangle that does.
This face “shape” is a fell omen indeed. It prefigures the reawakening of the Great Old One, also called He Who Slumbers Deep Beneath the Waves. Non-Euclidean faces are often accompanied by a host of gibbering voices that echo in the mind, engendering in the beholder a psychic anguish that is worse than death.
A traditional men’s taper is best.
We shall not speak of those who will be Purified in the quadrennial Cleansing. May the Sentinels have mercy on their souls.
What if my face shape isn’t listed above?
Not to worry! Science is discovering new face shapes all the time. Check back with us every few weeks for the latest in face shapes, or subscribe to our newsletter.